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MUSKOGEE, OK (January 1, 2017) - Team VLR's "Make DTR2 Great Again" World Tour took us to Muskogee, Oklahoma for the the New Years Day 60 at Outlaw Motorsports Park. Shockingly for reasons unknown the race was only 50 laps even though it was called the New Years Day 60. Many of the top drivers and Fascheck were in attendance. Also in attendance were some luminaries of Oklahoma such as Barry Switzer, Toby Keith, and Jim Ross.

Merle Haggard sang in the hit song Okie from Muskogee that white lightnin is still the biggest thrill of all. VLR started the night off with the biggest bore of all, time trials. Many fans used this time to urinate and consume large quantities of chocolate-covered-bacon-deep-fried-walking tacos, which are a staple here in this part of Oklahoma.

To no one's surprise VLR_JW took the top spot barely beating out teammate VLR_LP. This was JW's sixth pole of the year already which puts him on a record pace for most poles in VLR history. The pole record for one season belongs to SKM_Wheel who somehow took 13 poles in only 12 races back in 2012. The same people who do the math at VLR must be the ones who make the "New Years Day 60" race only 50 laps.

Heat races were next on the agenda. Heat #1 saw JW take advantage of his starting spot and held off a bad ass fast SKM_Smallz, who was utilizing the top side of the track. Smallz is the only multiple race winner at VLR this eason and has three wins already on the year after having never won a VLR race until this season. XCR_Basham came in third, earning him the pole position in the A Main.

Heat #2 had LP take the early lead and never look back, barely missing a chance to break the 10 lap record there for SDLMs.

In the Bmain, VLR_RB shook off his new years hangover and took control of the race early and cruised to the win. Remember kids S'more Schnapps and sniffing
glue is not a good way to get ready for racing as we soon would learn when it came to RB.

With all the preliminaries in the books, all that was left was the A main. Due to VLR's reverse average finish rule determining the A Main lineup, Basham was on the pole. The Indiana driver had intentionally racked up shitty finishes all year to this point in the hopes that something like this would happen and he would be rewarded with a pole starting position if he were to make the A Main.

XCR_KG could not make the race due to it being past his bed time. This moved Smallz up to the outside front row for the initial start. At the drop of the green Smallz and JW darted to the front barely getting by Basham. JW and Smallz would race side by side for the entire race for the lead in what was an epic duel. JW used the bottom side of the track which worked out great with his hefty body weight helping him get maximum grip down on the slick bottom of the track, while Smallz wallbanged around the top side hoping nobody would notice.

Behind the top 3 battling it out heavy was LP, RB and your points leader and winner of the sexiest cross-gender ginger male for two years running in Crossvile TN, VLR_Shock.
Eventually VLR_LP, who was making his first VLR start of the season used his massive weight advantage on the drivers side, began moving up through the field after starting fifth and halfway through the race he found himself all the way up in fourth place, a net gain of one position.

Upfront it was all JW and Smallz, JW on the low side and Smallz riding around seemingly on top of the wall. By lap 30, Lp had finally caught XCR*Basham and moved into the third position but was well behind the leaders JW and Smallz. JW and Smallz held over a second lead but were not backing off in their side by side battle up front.

At lap 42 the shit hit the fan. JW and Smallz caught up to some lap traffic named ICE_Eric, who paid off the officials before the A Main so they would give him a provisional. With the leaders using both lanes, Eric really didn't know which driver he should hold up, so at the last second he decided he should try to ruin Smallz day instead. The 8 year old from Wisconsin was able to slow Smallz up enough for JW to take the lead over for the moment.

Smallz got back around JW a few laps later, then for the next 3 laps they decided to give each other slide jobs on every corner. The two rivals are battling for a points championship at VLR but neither driver let that stop them from slamming into one another in the closing laps.

With all this going on LP had made up a lot of ground and on lap 46 he stuck his nose under the leaders as the were slide jobbing and took the lead, seemingly out of nowhere. He went on to lead the last few laps on way to his third career win, while JW and Smallz battled it out to the end. JW ended up 2nd with Smallz taking home a disappointing 3rd.

Your current point leader Shock came in 4th while RB came home in a solid 5th place.

Despite the incredible racing that took place during the A Main, which saw LP come out of nowhere to blow past JW and Smallz, there were still plenty of fireworks in the post race. Below are some of the drivers thoughts after the race:

1st place VLR_LP: "Ah I just saw those dumb shits up there slidejobbing each other just having a hell of a race. Then I saw them come up to lap Eric and I knew Eric would most likely do something dumb and probably wreck the whole field so I tried to back way off the gas just to give them room to wreck up there but somehow they didn't. Then the damn fools started getting pissed at each other it looked like and thought nobody was around them and we just snuck in and took the win. I'd like to thank VLR for the race an Kellogs for sponsoring me and for giving me free Pop Tarts for life."

2nd place VLR_JW: "Well shit, you know we jus had a good car but you git sum-body like Smallz up 'ere and all hell breaks loose. We had a heck of a race goin and the sum bitch just walled me so I give it right back to him. I don't think either of us knew that LP was that close to us or maybe we would've been cleaner. But I gotta stop talkin' so I can find that sum bitch and whoop his got dam ass."

3rd place SKM_Smallz: "Wow what a race! That was some good stuff. But first off I want to say "f*ck Eric" because he cost me that race! He did dammit. He's a dumb little bastard and couldn't get out of the way when we were trying to lap him so this loss is all his fault."

Moments later, though, Smallz had a different tune. "I would have won that race if it wasn't for JW putting me in the wall. This loss is all JW's fault. If he would learn how to race me clean like I race him then we would not be in this situation. HE COST ME THE WIN! Eric did nothing wrong."

Just seconds later, Smallz had yet another opinion on the reason he lost. "I tell you what, Hoosier gave me some shitty ass tires tonight. I would have won if it hadn't been for these damn tires. They sent me the wrong compound and I didn't have any tread left by the end of the race. I am so disappointed and will be boycotting VLR until they allow me to use American Racer tires. This loss had nothing to do with JW or Eric tonight, they both are tough racers. This is all on HOOSIER. GET IT TOGETHER HOOSIER!"

VLR_Shock and VLR_RB both had an all out brawl in the pits after the race which led to RB being arrested for hitting a woman and attempted murder. The exchange began on the track when the two kept making contact early in the race while the leaders pulled away. Shock ran up to RBs car after the race and called him a "no good, dirty, rotten, rainjob giving asswipe," to which RB responded "I may be a dirty rotten asswipe but let me tell you something bitch, don't you EVER accuse me of giving rainjobs mother f*cker." The 135 pound RB then lunged at the equally petite VLR_Shock and punched her right in the helmet and chest, breaking RBs hand while also causing him to be arrested. Shock was unhurt but did say that the padded bra she was wearing helped lighten the impact to her chest.

After a crazy New Years race which saw several drivers having to make new resolutions, the points battle tightened up dramatically. JW is now only 3 points behind Shock and Smallz is still within striking distance, ten points back with 4 races to go. Should be a good finish that will be down to the last race at Shocks beloved Rodeo.

FULL RESULTS:

1. VLR_LP
2. VLR_JW
3. SKM_Smallz
4. VLR_Shock
5. VLR_RB
6. XCR*Basham
7. VLR_43a
8. WFO_Faschek
9. ICE_Eric41
10. DeadBolt
11. ICE_KG
12. Goldfish
13. Hoover
14. xXtoxonXx
15. VLR_Bubba

Haggard is dead

Nobody implied that he was alive bro

Merle Haggard sang in the hit song Okie from Muskogee that white lightnin is still the biggest thrill of all. VLR started the night off with the biggest bore of all, time trials. Many fans used this time to urinate and consume large quantities of chocolate-covered-bacon-deep-fried-walking tacos, which are a staple here in this part of Oklahoma.

It doesn't imply that he's alive.

It says he sang IN the hit song...

not he sang THE hit song

o shit