Georgia (10-19-14)- Season 22 had team VLR heading into unknown territory as they headed to a secret, clandestine track known as Golden Isles. Judging by the car count, maybe too clandestine. But good racing is good racing. Twelve drivers made the tow to Parts Unknown, hometown to many villainous wrestlers such as The Missing Link, Demolition, and The Ultimate Warrior (Two Warrior references this month for those keeping score at home, I know he was a good guy, but considered a bad guy in our house due to his attacks on Bobby “the Brain” Heenan.) With such an eerie aura around this place, you know shit was about to get weird. Let's just say there would be new villains introduced into the world of DTR2 after this race was done.
Qualifying started out auspiciously with VLR_Shock destroying second place qualifier, JFR_Lastplace by over a tenth of a second. VLR_Shock was likely cheating as he never even came close to hitting that time the rest of the night. BLS_Wheel, Momper and BLS_BW rounded out the top 5. This was Momper’s first time cracking the top 5 in qualifying, so good job to him. This wasn't the only time the Momper car would surprise tonight. In fact, the rookie climbed up on the roof of his car immediately following qualifying and proclaimed himself "the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be," ala Bret Hart. This pissed BLS_18 off and he violently choke slammed Momper onto the ground and hovered over him hissing and breathing heavily at the dazed rookie.
2 heats where ran with BLS_18 taking heat #1, and JFR_LP taking heat #2. The red headed stranger with no soul, King Ginger, held on to take his first ever VLR B-main. Do red heads have more fun? As an ancient wise man once said, “NO."
With the heats and B-main completed, it was on to the main event. The XCR_94 machine of Basham was on the point with KK21JR on the outside pole. VLR continued their tradition of starting drivers nobody has ever heard of on the front row. At the drop of the green it was BLS_Jmac going down low and taking the lead with Domper "Showstopper" Momper in tow. What a weird name, but perfect for a heel in the racing world. Jmac and Momper battled side by side for quite awhile, and managed to hold up the entire field in the process. This allowed LP to sneak up and get by Jmac on the low side. By the low side, we mean two lanes below the track surface in the grassy area. They had all the other racing lanes clogged up.
Momper took control of the race at this point. This kid was not gonna be denied, especially after being publicly embarrassed when he was ferociously choke slammed by points leader BLS_18 after he proclaimed himself the best. LP got up under Momper several times, only to have the young driver close the door on him, much like LP's wife does when he tries to put his moves on her at night.
On lap 18 Momper got loose in turn two and was turned around by the close following 99 car. With all this going on, it was only a matter of time before Wheel and Shock would show up. These two are like Siamese twins that they forgot to separate at birth. They go everywhere together, and even bring matching purses to the race track each week.
Wheel was the only car making a go of it on the high side, with Shock plugging along the inside groove. For no apparent reason at the time, LP’s car came to an abrupt stop in the middle of turn one on lap 28. We told you shit was gonna get weird out here in the deep woods. Wheel took the lead after slamming his way past VLR_Shock once JFR_LP disappeared, and was not challenged the rest of the way to another win.
But dark, dark forces were at work tonight. After further review from the crackhead VLR officials, it was determined that the race was to be restarted with 22 laps remaining due to the fact that the KK21JR machine was embedded halfway into the track, but only half of the field being able to see, and feel it. Was this for real, or a hoax, like the 1969 Lunar Landing? We may never know. One thing we do know, VLR completely picked a random lap to restart at because that's just the kind of shit they do at this series. They jumbled the start and LP was given the pole even though BLS_18 had to be drug out of victory lane by a pack of midgets who call the area home and forced back into his car. 18 was pissed, but at the same time understanding, since VLR has been known to screw him out of many wins in the past.
"We'll just have to come back out and spank these mother heifers ass yet again I guess," said the cocky, but probably correct BLS_18. "If I don't run out of gas for running 22 freaking laps extra for no damn reason I should dominate this damn thing."
With the field lined back up for a restart, LP was given back the lead with Wheel and Shock behind him. BW, Wheel and Shock fought hard allowing the 99 car to open up a small lead. When the dust settled it was Wheel in second, but only a few laps remained. Late in the race Shock bounced off the wall and collided with BW, opening the door for Momper to sneak into the fourth spot.
Incredibly, BLS_18 wasn't nearly as strong in the second attempt, and LP went on to win the controversial race, with Wheel taking his 6th 2nd place finish in a row, pretty damn good when an off night finds you runnerup. But it's also gotta be incredibly frustrating knowing that you could be so close every week and still find yourself not on the winner circle. Shock held onto to third, with Momper claiming his best finish to date with a fine 4th place.
Momper was feeling quite proud of his accomplishment and promptly added injury to insult after BLS_18 frustratingly lost a race he thought he should've won by punching the 74 time VLR champion in the mouth and ran towards victory lane. Once in victory lane, he jerked the microphone away from JFR_LP and said "Screw all of you!!! I will never lose again!" Then he quickly dropped the mic and ran away into the woods, not to be seen since.
Behind Domper Momper, Mr. Consistency, BLS_BW found a way to finish in the top 5. After his car was dug out of the track and placed back on the grid, KK21JR also recorded his best finish with his 6th place. Fort Worth, TX driver DirtyDirk finished seventh, with Basham also earning his best career finish at VLR with an 8th place. Hard luck driver of the night had to be Jmac, whose 4th place finish in the first running of the A-main was wiped out and replaced with a disappointing 9th. Jmac has lead many features in VLR this year, and it’s only a matter of time before he picks up his first win in the series. King Ginger rounded out the top ten.
There was even more controversy at the post race inspection, as the 99 car of LP was found 2 millimeters too low by another crackhead VLR official. Team JFR race Director, Faschek pointed out to VLR officials that LP had consumed a 24 piece bucket of KFC Chicken, a Party Pack of Tacos, and 6 liters of Orange Fango soda during the break between the 2 features, thus adding an additional 10 pounds to a car that was already struggling to support the rotund frame of LP. Faschek stated that this extra weight on top of the already extraordinary amount of pressure on the car to support LP, caused the car to sag lower than it was during the first part of the feature. VLR officials bought this and gave the win to LP and immediately banned eating during any breaks in the racing action in the future.
Only one more race on the schedule and the top spot is not totally locked up yet. Wheel (BLS_18) with his worst finish of the year being a 3rd, somehow only has a 8 point lead over Shock. There has been rumors circling in the pits that Shock has been bribing the crooked officials for bonus points in exchange to clean toilets and pick up trash after VLR events, and that this may explain how he is so close to BLS_18 in points despite having an average finish of 17.82 at VLR this year.
BW has third place locked up. AIR_RB sits in 4th heading into the finale with a 13 point lead over Dirk. AIR_69 only has a 4 point lead over JFR_Duster. Jmac is in 8th place with only a one point lead over Geisler. Geisler only made 3 shows this year, but has made the most of them. WFO_Ranger rounds out the top 10 in points, with no one realistically close to challenge.
The battle for team supremacy is also up for grabs. BLS, VLR, and AIR all have 3 wins each so far. There has certainly been a diverse group of winners this season.
For the finale, VLR head s to the historic Eldora Speedway in Rossburg, Ohio for the Dream 75, hope to see you all there. This track is gonna put on an awesome race, and since it's the finale, expect even more hell raising than usual following the race. But first, the drivers must find their way out of Parts Unknown to get to Rossburg.
Looking at Google Maps, Rossburg is only about 60 miles from Parts Unknown and sits right in middle of giant corn fields. Should be another scary race, just in time for Halloween.
Central City, PA (October 12, 2014) - VLR headed into the great great state of Pennsylvania yet again for the Hoosier 50 at Thunder Valley Raceway. Its been really nice the last 2 weeks, having running water, beautiful foliage, and a crowd with divergent family trees. After a month of upset winners, it was only a matter of time before Wheel or Shock would take over. With the exception of last week when an obese, out of shape, ice cream loving driver named JFR_LP stumbled his way into the winner circle, the cream will always rise to the top eventually.
Once the track gate was cleared of all of IFRT_14’s discarded beer cans, qualifying would commence. It was BLS_18 taking his 4th pole of the year, which will at least tie him for the most this season. I was going to try to count the number of career poles that Wheel has won so far, but lost interest at 8008, which spells “BOOB” on my calculator (note to younger readers, before your electronic phones and fancy stretchy underwear, we actually had to do math with paper and pencils, or an abacus if you were wealthy). BLS_BW and AIR_RB both have 2 pole awards so far.
RB continued his mastery of the qualifying format by coming in 2nd. JFR_LP, BW, and VLR_0 rounded out the top 5. Second through sixth were only separated by .000001 of a second. That's 1 quaddrillionth of a billisecond for those of you keeping track at home. It was literally that close.
With qualifying in the books it was onto the heat races. In Heat #1 it was Wheel winning in a close race over his BFF Shock. Heat #2 was won by BLS_BW43, who missed last weeks race. The Bmain was won by JFR_Duster. With only 2 heat races, everyone was hoping to get out of the track and get back home in time to watch the Eagles vs Giants game, which turned out to be an awful decision for Giant fans in attendance.
Those that left early went home to find that the Giants had been replaced by look-a-like Terminator robots, only these robots sucked at all athletic endeavors and had no understanding of football. The culprit behind this rouse was obviously Bill Belichick, the most evil man in the world, and a distant cousin of Barack Obama.
All the preliminaries were wrapped up and it was time for the main event. Tonights 10-man contest would be decided by an over the top rope elimination Battle Royal. After searching for several minutes for a wrestling ring, with no luck, it was announced that a dirt late model race would take place instead. This was a great idea as all the wrestlers in attendance happened to have dirt late models on standby in case of this exact scenario.
It was good to see an IFRT Team car in the pole position, could IFRT_Rick hang on for a 5th upset win in a row at VLR? Highly unlikely. Rick had consumed approximately 73 beers before the A Main started and it was gonna be a miracle if he made it through turn one unscathed on the opening lap. This is the shit VLR does every week to keep ratings high. Always putting the drunkest driver on the pole with impossibly good drivers like BLS_18 in the rear. Anything to sell extra tickets. XCR_94 aka Basham , was starting on the outside of the front row. Maybe his sober ass could keep the streak alive.
The first lap was a wild one. The drunken pole sitter, IFRT_Rick, lead the field to the green. Unfortunately for Rick, he was unable to make it through turn one unscatched on the very first lap! Rick set a record for the quickest any pole sitter at VLR had fallen to dead last after driving through the infield and losing control in turn 1 on the opening lap.
This paved the way for young Indiana driver Hudson O’Neal to grab the lead in his first VLR A Main, with JFR_Duster in pursuit. Duster would lead lap 2 with RB hot on his high heels. VLR_Shock had already moved from 8th to 4th at this point. Could this be 2 wins in a row for the almost defunct Team JFR? On lap 5 it was RB taking the point with Shock in tow.
Meanwhile, Wheel , from his customary last row starting spot had worked his way up to 3rd and was searching for his first win in several weeks. In a great race up front, Shock and RB traded the lead back and fourth about 10 times until Wheel caught up with them. Wheel and RB battled for several laps for the runner up spot, allowing Shock to jump ahead and grab a commanding lead.
Once he had daylight, Shock was not going to be caught. Shock went on to take his second win of VLR Season 22. Wheel finished second to continue his struggling season, and took a big blow to his average finish at VLR this season, dropping it down to 1.78. AIR_RB finished third, making 4 top 3 finishes in a row. Mr. Consistency, BLS_BW finished in a fine 4th place. And JFR_LP’s winning streak of 1 was over, but he managed a respectable 5th place finish. Duster came in 6th, tying his best finish of the year.
Hoots, making his first start of the season came in 7th, and it was good to see him back. The legendary Hudson O’Neal crashed into the 8th spot, with his best finish so far at VLR, in two attempts. Basham made his first ever VLR A-main, and came in 9th place. And IFRT_Rick came in 10th after making his first VLR A-main since Season 15, when a lot of the current drives were riding around in big wheels and picking boogers. I mean, seriously, Season 15 was way back in 1998. To put that into perspective, VLR Points Leader BLS_18 wasn't even born for another 9 years after that season. That season was won by PlayStation1racer over Karl (Now Doit 5).
Next week VLR invades the friendly confines of TBA. When Googling TBA, one of the first things that comes up is the Tennesee Bar Association. Apparently, there is a legal system there which consists of some lawyers. To pass the Bar there requires only that you watched some reruns of Law and Order and you have one nice pair of slacks and belt that is not a rope. No details on the length of TBA or the tracks banking, but what we do know is this; If it involves episodes of Law and Order, you know there's gonna be some drama! Cya this Sunday for some hell raising, law breaking, short (or long) track racing!
Imperial, PA (10-5-14) - VLR’s Sunday Night Series headed into the Steel City for the Pittsburgher 50 at Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Motor Speedway. Pittsburgh is known for many things. Steeler Football, sexually deprived Quarterbacks named Ben, a running back named Frenchy, Halusky, Mario Lemieux, and after Sunday night, the biggest upset victory in VLR history.
Many of DTR2’s top drivers could not make the show this week, including Wheel, BW, Ray, JW and Squirrel. With ebola sweeping over the VLR drivers, could RB make it three in a row? Qualifying kicked off the show, and it was VLR_Shock taking his first pole of the year. For a man who has seen a lot of poles in his time (not that there’s anything wrong with it), it was a long dry spell of poleness. AIR-RB continued his streak of good time trials coming in second. Followed by JFR_LP, Smallz and DO!T_Dirty.
Heat 1 started off with Shock getting into Dirty early on, dropping both to the back of the field, benefitting homestate hero JFR_LP who went on to a not well earned win. Eric_41 missed the start of the heat while watching Smurfs 2. Which is a really fine movie and deserving of Oscar consideration. Heat 2 was won by AIR_RB. There was a stacked B-main that saw a three wide finish with Shock narrowly beating BLS_Jmac at the line.
With the preliminaries in the books, it was now time for the 50 lap A-main. King Ginger once again had the pole with Jmac on the outside front row. With the draft and some top cars missing, this was anybody’s race to be had. The first lap was lead by Eric_41 , with lots of beating and banging throughout the field. On lap 2, Jmac took the lowside and powered by for the lead.
On lap 5 there was a chain reaction wreck that took both Momper 43 and JFR_Duster (yet again) out of the race. Jmac had built up a nice sized lead by this point, but with some timely bump drafts from AIR_RB, JFR_LP had quietly moved into second place.
On lap 15, LP drove down low and got the lead, but not without putting a permanent “122” imprint on his right side panel from the car of BLS_J-Mac. Jmac made a good save and gathered the car up to stay in second. Back in the pack, Shock and RB had drafted their way to Jmac, with Shock eventually taking the spot while leaving his dance partner behind, discarded like an old pair of sneakers on the side of the highway (sometimes I find ones that fit me, but usually not that lucky).
LP had built up a sizeable lead at this point, which was surprising because the only thing he knew about drafts was that they are $2 at the Selinsgrove Hotel on Tuesdays. LP held on to take his first of probably not many VLR A-mains, giving JFR its first win in many seasons.
Shock was second, and RB’s winning streak was stopped, but he came in with a fine 3rd.
Dirk continued his awesome season with a 4th place finish, and Jmac had his career best VLR finish with his 5th place. King Ginger finished 6th, with Smallz in 7th for another good run, Eric crashed in at 8th, with Momper43 and Duster completing the top 10.
LP credited his win to the Barry Wright chassis after campaigning Bloomquist for many years and a new diet of Yoo Hoo and red meat. The strict regimen has helped him lose 1/3 of a pound over the last 567 weeks.
This has to be the most upsets in one season in VLR Series History. Wheel and Shock have been shut out of victory lane 4 weeks in a row now. With the handicapping system, and a lot of practice, anybody can win this year. Next week, VLR stays in the great state of Pennsylvania for another week for the Hoosier 50 at Thunder Valley. Hope to see you there.